Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gemini's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
2:51 pm	Well, it always happens right when you need it... Just last week I was saying, I need to find a new job (even though I love mine) because it just doesn't pay what I need to live out here... and I just got an e-mail saying I got a raise... I big one! I hope it's not a mistake. It sounded generic, but it's like $5000 more than I make now!!! .... Current Mood: shocked (2 Comments |Comment on this)
11:13 am	So sad to say goodbye David and I finally got that chance to see each other in person. He came into town a day early. I wasn't mentally prepared to see him. But I came and met him for dinner at our old fish taco place in Ocean Beach. The instant I saw him, my heart felt a crunch. He looked really good, in a knit cap, golden curls spilling out and scruffy beard. When we hugged, he held me for a long, long time and I just wanted that moment to last forever. Dinner was great, laughing and chatting with his friend. But we needed some personal time as well. He caught up with me afterward and asked if he could see me later. We decided to meet up on Tuesday and spend some real time together. Dinner over sushi was so relaxed. We drank nigori sake and laughed and told each other stories of what we'd been up to. David threw out a shocker then. He was thinking about someday moving back to San Diego. He needed a year to gather himself in Colorado and then he wanted to come back to surfing, sun and the great friends he had here. We went over to Balboa park to let Seguin run around and he commented on how beautiful it was here. And then I let it all out. How I had butterflies in my stomach being near him, and how I loved him now more than ever, how happy I felt, and that if he had thought about us being together, and only distance was keeping us apart, I had considered moving to Colorado someday. He said now he had butterflies in his stomach. But he didn't have a good answer for me. His life was in Colorado for now, and he was seeing someone there, and he needed to not make a drastic life choice right now... because for the last few years all of his choices seemed to be wrong. He didn't want me to move to Colorado for him and then find out it's a big mistake. He wasn't ready to come back to San Diego. But he had a lot of love in his heart for me. And he didn't know what to do about it. I told him I would wait.. in the sense that life would go on for me regardless.. I have a happy life.. and maybe someday down the road we'll both be in the right place to be together. "You're just saying that," he said. "What do you really feel?" And I couldn't help it. "I want you now." We kissed and we held each other for a long time. I don't think I've ever felt that comfortable in my life. I'm going to love you for a long time, I said. And he said, me too. But we parted ways with no wishes for the future. Just friends. No plans to see each other again. He has a girl back home and a life. I went to bed and read a dive magazine. Had no trouble sleeping. Then I woke up this morning and cried all the way to work. Current Mood: loved (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
4:22 pm	A new start... I finally did it. Moved out on my own. Does that make me a grown up officially? I will have to post pictures of my new place. It's a little bungalow in a courtyard of eight little houses and one big house. It's a one bedroom and I have a nearly full sized kitchen (not just a kitchenette). It's been a little lonely and a little scary... but there is something so satisfying about coming home to a place that is just yours... Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
10:47 am	the anti-drama brigade Okay, I'll admit it! There was a time where I totally ate up drama in my life. Loved it and lived for it. Especially when I was around all those drama-queen theatre types. Even two years ago when I was happy being "the other woman" in a couple of relationship. But those days are past. I get enough excitement out of my hobbies now. So, whoever it is that keeps trying to muckity muck things up in my life... enough, already! Examples, in the house: Ezra told me at one point he thought I was trying to make it difficult for them to find a new roommate. They also thought I was trying to get off the lease, etc and weasel my way out my responsibilities with the security deposit. I admit that my moving has created extra work for them with finding a new roommate, but I'm not purposefully trying to make things hard. I think I'm making it a lot easier for them by taking care of the paperwork and stuff, keeping the place clean, and even placing an ad on craigslist. Yet, despite that, there is still so much hostility towards me in the house, I decided to move out early. So at present, I live on Lora's couch. An aside, Lora has been a lifesaver to me! She is as anti-drama as I am, and she is helping me escape it into a peaceful world of no stress, good food and clean house. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
11:12 am	a little update... It's been a while since I've written here. I've been checking for your entries (sisters) and haven't found much there either. A lot has been happening here.. so fast that all I have time for is writing in my handwritten journal and really no time for this. I have all of my travel journals written down on blogger.com. The URL is Travelogues. I've also put my pictures up on Ofoto, which is now Kodak Gallery and you can now view my pictures webpage. I feel like I've gone through some big changes lately. I've been taking more control of my life than ever. And yet, I find myself falling back in love with someone that I've been trying to get over. He has been singly there for me when no one else has. And yet, I can't let myself go back to where I was. But it's not easy fighting feelings for a man who is sensitive and intelligent and makes me laugh. Part of me says, why should I? And then I remember that unrequited love is not real love. In my personal life, I am finding some friendships falling apart. I think I said in a previous entry that I was finally standing up for myself and it didn't sit well with all of my friends. It's becoming more and more true. I am learning who I can really count on to stand by me and who I can't. Sometime it's necessary to do things that might not be easy for everyone because they are the right thing to do. Moving out of the house was that thing for me. Leaving behind certain friendships that were more harmful than helpful. Even though these changes are for the greater good, I have been sad and scared. Every night for the past few weeks I've had nightmares. About betrayal and death and being afraid. I feel like a little kid again getting ready for the first day of school. Living by myself is a complete unknown. Remember when I was little and I used to be so scared to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Is that going to be me again? But the only way to grow is to overcome fears. So here I go... Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
2:55 am	Fortune Cookie My fortune cookie the other day said: "Klazy fortune cookie fortunes make you go in circles." WTF? Should have saved that one for engrish.com Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
9:24 pm	Whine, whine, whine Up until about two weeks ago, I couldn't have been happier. It makes me laugh to look back at entries where "woe is me" and "life is a tragedy" is all I have to say. Life is incredible, amazing... I've started to tell my friends that time spent with me is "never boring!" and they agree. My toughest problems have been trying to plan how to use all my time off, where to go, what to do, who to spend it with... yeah, life is rough. I'm proud of myself. I've finally turned things around. I made so many mistakes in the past, and I tried to ignore the fact that my actions caused them. I had to take responsibility. And that's tough but in the end when you take responsibility, you can learn, change and grow. I look back at the way I was always down on myself. I look back at how I worried all the time. And I'm so glad that's in my past. I had to be selfish at first to build up my self esteem.. and it was hard on my friends.. but they learned that I couldn't be walked all over anymore. I realized that the only person looking out for my well being right now is me. And I'm not saying I don't care about anyone else, but I have to put my needs first, otherwise I can't help anyone else. So much has happened to me. I have to tell those stories to you... but I haven't written them down yet. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
10:54 pm	SPICE 04 Cruise Report A month at sea followed by another month at sea is never easy. But it's a lot easier when your have a good friend nearby. I was lucky enough to have Lora on this cruise with me. We managed to make even the most tedious 10 hour mooring recovery fun and exciting. Lora has the cook make a huge sheet carrot cake slathered in cream cheese frosting. He decorated with pink roses. We ate it all day long! Melania had sent a card, and Lora had gone around to all of our friends collecting stickers for my truck. I have to say it was one of the best birthday presents ever. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
10:51 pm	Cruise Report... The Berumuda triangle???!!! See Photos of this Cruise Shortly after the SAIC deployment, we obtained another job with a military contractor. This time it was NavAir. They were even more secretive than SAIC, and had a lot of difficulty communicating their needs to us. We had no idea where the deployment would be, only that it was "offshore Virginia." We would put down instruments, then wait two weeks while other scientists from all over conducted tests, then retrieve our instruments. This cruise was cursed.. but we didn't know it yet. First Ana Garcia Garcia, our AOA representative wasn't allowed on the ship because she is not an american citizen. They send another geologist rep, but he was too sick to go also. In the end, it was just Garth, Chris and I... not AOA rep to act as a conduit between the Navy folks and us. When we first arrived, the captain told us that it was possible that we might not be able to hook into their ships transducer. We use the ships transducer to "talk" to the acoustic transponders in our instruments. Although we carry a backup, it's barely powerful enough to reach the 5000m depths we were to deploy in. After much playing around with wiring and thinking about the basic electronics and acoustics I knew.. I finally wired it correctly the day of deployment. Then we found out where we going... the Bermuda Triange. We spent 20 hours in moderate seas putting the instruments out, and using the transponders to map the locations. The seas were beginning to build, but it still wasn't anything compared to the Sproul cruise. Unfortunately I got hit with a flu and was bed ridden for two straight days with a fever. By the third day I was worried that I might need antibiotics, but I started to get better the next morning. Two weeks of sitting around doing nothing on a tiny little ship is hard enough. But this ship had nothing to it but a galley, lounge and bunks. Nothing. No gym. No library... and there weren't any DVDs to watch. Only VHS tapes of random movies from the 80s. I read through 8 books in no time and watched hours of Sex and the city in my bunk. I had to share the room with 3 other women and it was hard getting sleep with everyone tiptoeing around. During the full moon we began the recoveries. Unfortunately, we could barely communicate with the instruments in the rough seas and deep ocean. We managed to get signals to almost all the instruments to release them to the surface. Unfortunately the NavAir people wouldn't listen to our instructions and we missed the surfacing of one instrument. In the high winds, it was gone in minutes. The recovery lasted 50+ hours. I collapsed in the end, having only had 3 one hour naps in that time. I spend 24 hours in bed sleeping and reading. I couldn't have been happier to get on land. Norfolk, Virginia was a welcome site. We played video games, drank, dined on Tapas and watched a breakdance competition. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
10:49 pm	Spring 2005 See Pictures Back in the US just in time for Lora's birthday. As a gift to her, we all pitched in to rent a sailboat. I had a chance to try my hand at the wheel. A group of SIO folks go to Joshua tree together. I hadn't climbed outdoors in a long time, but managed a 5.7+ slab. We move into our new house in Bay Park... and I spent a weekend with Sach in San Jose. I did a lot of volunteer work with the Wetlands Conservancy in Pacific Beach. We did some trash pickup one day and built nesting sites for rare birds the next. I also joined the surfrider foundations and began spending some Saturday mornings picking up trash on the beach. The weekend of Emily's birthday ended up being one of the best ever. We had Friday off for the holidays and I ended up going to Joshua Tree for some crazy crack climbing with Jamie. Saturday, we joined up with Emily and friends for a limo wine tour in Temeculah. Some drunken debauchery was had. The next day I surfed and then went back to Puerto Nuevo for lobster dinner. Climb. Wine. Surf. Mexico. All in one weekend. I love Southern California. Much of spring was spent climbing. I go to the Vertical Hold once a week to train for my weekend jaunts to Joshua Tree. I also joined an outdoors club and went bouldering in Santee where I met Angeline and Jeremy. We arranged to meet the the gym thursday.. and we've been meeting lots of other climber friends since. I spend every weekend from March to April at J-Tree. One weekend, after an overnight cruise, I went with Jamie to try my first multipitch climb, Walk on the Wild Side. It wasn't tough, just very exposed. Another time, I bought some cams and learned how to build anchors. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
3:06 pm	Dealing with it... Somedays I feel fine, and some days I can't even function. I'm getting really tired of it. I don't want anything in my life to change. I'm happy being single, I'm happy with work, I'm happy with my friends, I love my new house... but I'm getting sick and tired of feeling tired, sad and unmotivated. When am I going to feel normal again? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
10:48 pm	Mexico the Molly Way I was so ecstatic that Molly was coming to visit me! Our plan was to take an trip to Mexico... other than that, nothing was set in stone. Molly and I had never travelled together, but I was about to discover the randomness and adventure that it entails. Our first discovery was a small town just south of Rosarito called Puerto Nuevo. Every restaurant in this town is dedicated to Lobster served a specific way--- fried in butter then wrapped in a warm tortilla with rice and beans. Every meal comes with a complimentary shot of tequila and margaritas. All this for $10 in the offseason. There were no tourists besides ourselves in this town at the time. Guadelupe Valley, wine country. After many hours of driving on dirt roads ruined by the rain, we found a bed and breakfast we had read about in a brochure. We weren't sure what to expect and then pulled up to this gorgeous mansion in the middle of a vinyard. The hosts fed us dinner and gave us our own little cabin in the back. The next day we went to the L.A. Cetto winery for a tasting. We asked our host where to find to hot springs we had heard about. He said he wasn't sure, but we should ask at the next winery down the street. Dona Lupe is an organic winery that also sells honeys and spices. As we were walking out, we saw our host come running down the driveway with a friend. He said they knew how to get to the hot springs and would show us if we gave them a ride. I wasn't sure at first, but Molly jumped at the chance. The two boys climbed in and we started heading off down a remote dirt road. A river had flooded over the road to the hot springs. Go for it, the boys said! And of course, I had to try... We decided to wade across the river in the end and walked for two hours before we found out that the hot springs had also been flooded over by the river. That night, warm and dry, we treated ourselves to a fancy dinner at a winery restaurant. We sampled their wines, ate steamed clams from San Felipe and a hearty dinner and desert. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
11:54 am	Help me name my website Part II So I have this fabulous idea to turn my website into a travel page, with stories written by students and young people on a budget like me who got the opportunity to go somewhere really interesting and write about it. Anyways, I want to name my website something relevant like "Global Safari" etc, etc. Any ideas? Need help bad. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:49 am	Humor Quiz -- I don't buy it Sunny/Dark: 7/10 drY/Gross: 6/10 Traditional/Offbeat: 5/10 Active/Passive: 6/10 You are a DGT--Dark Gross Traditional. This makes you a Prankster. Comedy for you is when a person is kept in the most discomfort for the longest period of time. This means practical jokes, pranks, and sticking a hair up a sleeping person's nose so he slaps himself awake. You are probably locked in some terrifying practical joke one-ups-manship with a like- minded soul. You are also probably a dude. You are able to acknowledge that Dumb and Dumber was a good movie, and that makes you a good person. You might like Meet the Parents, Punk'd, and that part in Bruce Campbell's If Chins Could Kill where he convinces a friend that his car has been shoved off a cliff. I'm not describing this adequately. You got to read it. Of the 9964 people who have taken this quiz, 14 % are this type. Your Active humor score of 6/10 means you are ju-u-ust right. You're probably pretty popular -- a walking social lubricant. You know how to take someone from on edge to relaxed, and from relaxed to larfing. You're kind of like an episode of Arrested Development. That show is good. Anyway. Rave on, funny one. (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
10:36 pm	Japan Adventure I am finally posting my journal from Japan! Enjoy! ( The Japan Experience. ) Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 20th, 2004
10:33 am	Help me I am in a panic. I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about David. My heart still hurts so much. I feel much more at peace since we talked, but I'm still overwhelmed by sadness. When I woke up this morning, I had this perfect vision of him looking up at me with his beautiful blue eyes. It filled me with a wonderful warmth, and when I realized I was just dreaming, I came crashing down into reality. I have so much to do today. I feel completely overwhelmed and ended up throwing up in the toilet. Is this normal? Is this the way a heartbreak is supposed to feel? My soul feels completely dead and I can't find joy in anything. I am unmotivated, sad, sick, desperate. And when I think of him I feel happy, then guilty, then devastated. Come back to me, David. Why is it that I feel like you are my soulmate? Why didn't I realize this when I had you? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 19th, 2004
11:25 am	Hooray for sisters! Okay, entries are back to normal now and for everyone's enjoyment. Yesterday I talked to Liz on the phone for a while, and it was really nice. It was nice to have someone talk me through my pain from an experience point of view. I guess that's the reason we have sisters. I love my sisters. I love how we are the different and the same and so when we get together and talk we can go on and on for hours. Debby and I talk for hours about politics and food and it's really wonderful. I hate that we are so far apart. But I guess we sisters always talked about spanning the coasts. And here we are. Me on the west. Liz on the East. And D in the Great Lakes. We are all part of the states that will eventually before the United States of Canada. :) And I have sisters all over the world too. In my friends Molly and Liz M. Sometimes it's hard to keep in touch but somehow I always care about those girls and they care about me. I miss having you girls around. I'm sorry I had to go away to Japan. I'll see you at Christmas and you can come visit me soon afterward in San Diego. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:38 am	Dear David. I'm so glad we talked yesterday. I feel at peace now. I am still sad, but my sadness is grounded in fact now. I have some understanding of why things the way they are, and why you need to do what you are doing. I pray someday we'll find friendship and then from friendship love again. Things seem to be improving in your life and I'm happy for you. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 18th, 2004
9:19 pm	Dear David. Mostly I want to apologize for today. You called me at a bad moment. When I called you this morning, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted when I saw you on Monday. I know it wasn't fair for me to get angry and demand answers when you don't have any to give. And then, I did it again today. And I'm sorry. I think you may have been saying these things for a long time but I am finally hearing them. You weren't happy in our relationship. There is nothing more and nothing less to it. Again, it's simple. You may have loved me and I loved you. But if you weren't happy, despite all of my efforts. Then I suppose we have to give up. I want you to know that I will always care about you and always be your friend. I know that it's a long hard road ahead. And I do hope someday you will give me a second chance. I won't contact you again until after I return from Japan. My doctor's appointment is on December 16th, and if you are still interested in taking me and holding my hand, I would appreciate it. As long as we are both ready. You are a wonderful man. That is why you are so hard to get over. I hope you understand why you've made me feel this way, and be flattered if nothing else. One of the things I wanted to talk to you about today is that I'm afraid of going to Japan. I don't know what it will be like to be a foreign country with no one I know. I know the company will take good care of me and that I will have lots to do. I just hope I can keep my emotions in check and enjoy the experience for what it is. I love you. I will miss you. And I don't care what we are in the future. I am bringing you back a present from Tokyo. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
5:41 pm	Dr Who Dear David. I miss you more every moment. I am still fighting the urge to call you. I just want to say hi and talk to you about my day. So I am going to write about it instead. I went to the Drs today to talk about the depression. I also had my depo provera shot. My doctor lookes really worried about me and gave me the name of a therapist. She also gave me a couple of months supply of Zoloft to help with the depression. I also had to have a blood test to check my hormone levels. The technician couldn't find my vein, so she had to dig around a bit. Then another guy had to come in and try. I know I'm just dehydrated. But they finally got blood out. I cried all the way home. (Comment on this)